Sinking ships and sinking hearts
by NSandBLforever
Summary: AU. A short one-shot about Serena and Nate I wanted to share. "I wish you would show up on the door step right now and spend the whole night with me."


_You left me._

Those words are the only ones that fill her mind.

He left her here alone.

She wanders around the apartment.

What used to be _their_home.

Together here.

Now it's just her.

Didn't he know that he was all she had?

Didn't he care at all?

She sighs and sits down in his favorite chair.

She looks around, all their furniture is still here, but it still feels so empty.

Her home, her life, her heart.

Everything is empty now that he is no longer here.

She knows it's her own fault.

_She_ is the only one to blame.

And it kind of makes things easier, but also a hundred times harder.

Serena keeps looking at the door, halfway expects him to come through it any minute.

Like he has a million times before.

He doesn't.

But she desperately needs him to come home soon.

* * *

"Hey, Natie. It's me. Again." She closes her eyes and breathes in.

This gets harder and harder for each day that passes.

Each day she can't hear his voice.

Only leave him messages he never responds to.

"I don't know what I can say to change this, if there is anything at all. I just want you to come home; I want you to walk through the door and..."

She pauses, wants to find the words that will end this. Words that will make a difference now.

_They are lost._

She can't find them, spends every waking moment searching.

"I bought a new chair today. Matching to yours." She sighs.

"I don't know why I did it. It was suddenly just standing there in the shop and I couldn't resist it. You know how I am when it comes to shopping." She laughs a little, imagines him doing the same wherever he is when he hears this.

"I thought it would be nice. To have two chairs; one for each of us. For when you come back. Because you are coming back? Aren't you, Natie? Please come back to me..." She feels her voice tremble, her eyes get blank.

"Please come home." It's only a whisper. She closes her eyes, lets the tears come.

She takes two deep breaths, shakes it off. Doesn't want him to hear that she is crying.

"The chair is a good investment though, the lady in the shop said we will have them a long time. So I thought..." She stops; starts to feel the urge to cry again.

"So I thought we could grow old in them."

* * *

He is gone, but his things are still there.

His shirts are hanging in the closet; his shoes are standing in the hallway; his toothbrush still next to hers.

She can still feel his presence, it lingers there.

All around her.

She just wants him to be there too. For real.

_For good. _

Serena takes out one of his shirts, his smell still all over it.

She takes it up to her nose, holds it tightly in her hands. Closes her eyes and imagines him being there with her.

Sees his smile. His blue, piercing eyes.

She sighs and opens her eyes again. Takes another look at the shirt.

She remembers then. This shirt isn't just one of many, not a random blue shirt.

It's the one he wore on their very first date.

Serena closes her eyes again.

_"Wow." He smiles widely._

_"You look..." He stops, can't really get a word out._

_She giggles; love the way he is making her feel._

_Love the fact that he is speechless because of her._

_"You look wow too." She says and kisses his cheek. _

_She's about to close the door when he grabs a hold of her arm._

_"I am suddenly not that hungry." He says and smiles mischievously. _

_She feels shy all of a sudden, starts to blush and looks at the ground._

_Serena never blushes. He brings it out of her._

_"Me neither." She whispers and opens the door again._

Serena opens her eyes, eyes that are crying now.

She decides to sleep next to his shirt that night.

And continues to do it every night that follows.

* * *

"Hey."

"I miss you, Natie. Do you know that?" She sighs.

"Today I went for lunch with Blair. It was nice. But she pretends that everything is fine. Everything is not fine."

"_I_ am not fine." She rungs her forehead with two fingers, feels a headache coming.

"She smiled and laughed, and I felt like i couldn't. I spend every day feeling like it's physically impossible to smile. I know you wouldn't want me to feel this way."

She gets up, starts wandering around in the living room.

"But you can fix it, Natie. You just have to come home."

There is no one on the other end. He didn't take the phone, like he never does.

She would do anything just to hear his voice.

It feels so empty, so lonely to talk to his voicemail every day.

She doesn't even know if he gets her messages.

"Today I thought I saw your reflection in the mirror. It was like you were standing right behind me. I reached out to touch you, but then you vanished."

She pauses.

"And so did most of my hope."

She hangs up then.

Silent tears escaping from behind her eyelids.

* * *

_"You kissed Dan!" He yells._

_She is halfway falling to the floor. Crumbles when she sees the anger in his face. _

_"It didn't mean anything." She's able to stutter between the loud sobs escaping her lips._

_"It always means something." His eyes are blank now too. _

_"Please…" She pleads and sets her eyes in him. _

_"I can't do this right now."_

_And then he's out the door. _

Serena are tossing and turning in her bed. All the images flashing in front of her crushing her from the inside. Nate so angry. She remembers the feeling of him walking out on her.

It's a long time ago, but it still feels so real.

And now he is gone again.

This time maybe forever.

She wakes in a pile of sweat. The clock is just four in the morning.

She reaches for her phone.

No missed calls.

She sighs and rests her head in her hands.

Dials his oh so familiar number.

"I can't do this anymore." She cries.

"I need you..." She whispers.

When she doesn't get a respond (she never does), she can feel anger surfacing.

"Why aren't you picking up your phone?!" She yells frustrated.

"Why won't you even talk to me?"

The yelling slowly goes over to hysterically crying.

After a while she falls asleep. Phone still in her hand.

* * *

She would give anything to see him just one more time.

Feel his skin against hers, see into his blue eyes, taste his lips.

To be with him for just a little while longer.

She would do _anything_.

_"I am trying to change, to be a better person. Can't you see that?" She asks, eyes full of hope._

_He slowly nods. _

_"I see it, but..." He looks to the ground._

_"Please no buts, please." Pleading in her voice, in her eyes, in her whole body._

_"I don't know if I can trust you anymore."_

_She closes her eyes, tears are resting on her eyelashes._

_He doesn't want things to be like this._

_He wants her back._

_He loves her. Always have, always will._

_It's all just so hard._

_"I love you" She says, hopes it will be enough._

_He closes his eyes now, images of them together flashing in front of his eyes. Of how they were before. How happy she made him._

_How miserable he is without her._

_When he opens his eyes she is standing right before him. Eyes red and swollen from all the crying._

_Still beautiful._

_"I love you too." He whispers._

_She blinks._

_"You can trust me, Natie. I promise." She takes two steps closer._

_He sighs._

_Wants to so badly._

_She reaches out and touches his chest; he slowly lays his hands upon hers. Breathes in and decides._

_Decides to take a chance. Now. Right here._

_Knows deep down it will be worth it._

_So he kisses her._

_And for a moment everything is perfect._

He came back once.

She is hoping for another miracle.

_She just needs one more._

And then she won't ask for anything more.

* * *

"I'm still kind of mad at you. But my heart just aches for you."

She sits down in his chair, feels closer to him there.

"You've been gone for a while now. It scares me, it feels like you'll never come home. I want to push that feeling away, kill it completely. But I can't. If you could just talk to me. Show me that there's still some hope left." She sighs deeply, curls up with her feet under her chin.

"I wish you would show up on the door step right now and spend the whole night with me."

She pauses.

"Spend your whole life with me."

She looks down at her hand.

"You kind of promised."

_"What are we doing here, Nate?" She asks with suspicion as her feet hit the sand._

_They are standing at the beach in Hamptons._

_No one or nothing in sight. _

_"Don't you remember?" He asks, eyes serious, hands shaking a bit._

_"Remember what?" She asks, eyes furrowed._

_"This is where we fell in love."_

_She smiles. Closes her eyes and thinks back to the summer they were fourteen._

_Of course she remembers._

_How could she ever forget?_

_When she opens her eyes again, Nate is down on one knee._

_"Oh..." It's all she can get out, her hand to her mouth as she gasps._

_"I love you so much, Serena. So will you..?" _

_He isn't able to finish before she throws herself at him and kisses him fiercely._

_"Yes." She says as they are both down in the sand._

_"I promise you we will grow old together." He whispers in her ear._

* * *

"Are you still not ready to talk?"

She is standing by the window, studies the streets below her. Hopes to spot him amongst all the people walking around down there.

Of course she doesn't.

"Okay..." She says.

"I'll have to do all the talking then. Like always."

"I think we should go sailing when you come back. Just the two of us. It will be good for us to get away a little."

"I..." She starts, but gets interrupted when Blair blazes through the door.

"Hey, Sweetie." She says and smiles.

Serena lays the phone down.

"Who were you talking to?" Blair asks and sits down in Nate' chair.

"Nate." Serena simply answers.

Blair looks terrified all of a sudden. Like she's seen a ghost.

"Oh." She says and looks at Serena.

"Are you okay?" She asks.

Serena just nods.

Blair gets up from where she's sitting and starts walking around the apartment. By the looks of it she's searching for something.

Serena doesn't bother asking for what or to go after her.

Just sits down and waits for answers.

After a while Blair is standing in front of her holding something.

A phone.

Serena blinks.

_It's Nate's phone. _

* * *

"Where are we going?" Serena asks.

Blair chooses to ignore her question, and is just staring at the road.

"You never drive anywhere." Serena mumbles.

Blair ignores that too.

"You are living in denial, Serena."

She doesn't respond to that.

"There is somewhere I want to take you. There is something you have to see."

Serena gets a bad feeling in her stomach.

_Really bad._

* * *

They walk side by side in silence.

Serena feels like a zombie.

Blair takes her hand when they stop.

"This is real, Serena."

She remembers now.

She remembers everything.

Water.

And Nate.

_"This is bad, Serena." Nate looks terrified, his face all pale. _

_"I know..." She whispers._

_They've sailed right into a storm._

_It's water everywhere._

_Water and tears._

_A wave hits the side of the boat._

_Suddenly they are both in the water._

_Serena' eyes searches for Nate and she sees his hand far away._

_Tries to swim over to him, but fails._

_She goes under water, tries to stay calm. Tries to breathe._

_Suddenly he is next to her, holding her. Whispers soothing words in her ear._

_Reassures her that everything is going to be okay._

_They're able to stay above water for a while._

_But it gets harder and harder._

_Suddenly there is someone there._

_A boat._

_Nate swims towards it, still holding her tightly. _

_"I love you." He whispers._

_"I love you too, Natie."_

_He helps her on board._

_Then there is a big wave._

_So much water, even more tears._

_And then there is no Nate._

Serena falls to the ground.

The air has left her whole body.

She feels totally numb.

Not even a tear wants to escape.

She feels Blair's arms around her.

"No..." She whispers over and over.

"I don't know what to say, Serena. I thought you remembered. You must have blocked it out..."

Blair is still talking, but Serena shuts her out.

Doesn't want to listen.

Doesn't want to feel at all.

She reaches out to touch the gravestone before them.

Her fingers stopping at the name there.

_Nathanial Archibald._

**_-fin_**


End file.
